Just been to church. We have this most amazing event called Space, once a month. A contemplative hour of, well.. space to think, pray, float (metaphorically) with music, visuals etc. The theme of tonight was "Journey". Well its been quite a sensational journey for us this year and my mind was filled with memories from along the way.
Its 4 months since i was lying prone, reliant on morphine, with space-age leggings on that inflated from my ankles to my knees (to avoid thromboses developing). I couldn't walk, breathing was an agonising ordeal, i was nil by mouth and the minutes were dragged out over what seemed like mini-eternities. How different that is to now. Its a testament to how amazing the body is at adapting/recovering.
And its also a testament to Claudia and the many friends and family members who have been travelling with me. But the biggest shout goes out to God, who has been an awesome companion in both the best times and the worst. Thinking back, it was as if the line in Psalm 27 (v5) came alive in some of the darkest moments..
"For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling".
Strange wording by today's standards, but in those forsaken moments, when time stood still, monitors bleeped, the pain seemed unending and visitors looked on helplessly - there were arms wrapped around me. Not overpowering, but there. When you're that low, exposed and lonely, the peaceful loving arms of God are the sweetest place to be.
Sunday 22 November 2009
Thursday 19 November 2009
its more mental now
As fickle as my body can be...
(eg) Yoghurt on Monday: fine - Yoghurt on Tuesday: stomach cramps,
i'm feeling as if the physical side of me is making really good progress.
re: eating - I can generally predict how things will fare after eating most things, and have developed a particularly healthy taste for crisps, chocolate and beer. But coffee? Still off limits.
My posture is improving well according to my physiotherapist, Andy, who doesn't want to see me anymore(!)... and my core strength is also much better according to Susie, my pilates instructor. Its funny how the simplest of slow, seemingly meaningless repeated exercises suddenly make you stand much taller.
Its the mental side of things that i'm finding harder at the moment. On the outside i'm looking more and more normal/stronger. On the inside (in my head) there's a long way to go. Getting used to the pattern of 3 mornings a week at work is one thing. But having to make decisions, trying to think creatively, remembering how everything works - where everything goes, that is proving quite tricky. I can't concentrate like i used to. I feel for my colleague Joachim, who is delighted to have me back. But i'm only firing on 1 cylinder at the moment, which isn't the most use.
My "working brief" is to take things sloooowly, celebrate the little victories as they happen and not expect too much more. Its becoming an act of will to resist the various pressures and expectations of "normal life" that are starting to emerge around me.
(eg) Yoghurt on Monday: fine - Yoghurt on Tuesday: stomach cramps,
i'm feeling as if the physical side of me is making really good progress.
re: eating - I can generally predict how things will fare after eating most things, and have developed a particularly healthy taste for crisps, chocolate and beer. But coffee? Still off limits.
My posture is improving well according to my physiotherapist, Andy, who doesn't want to see me anymore(!)... and my core strength is also much better according to Susie, my pilates instructor. Its funny how the simplest of slow, seemingly meaningless repeated exercises suddenly make you stand much taller.
Its the mental side of things that i'm finding harder at the moment. On the outside i'm looking more and more normal/stronger. On the inside (in my head) there's a long way to go. Getting used to the pattern of 3 mornings a week at work is one thing. But having to make decisions, trying to think creatively, remembering how everything works - where everything goes, that is proving quite tricky. I can't concentrate like i used to. I feel for my colleague Joachim, who is delighted to have me back. But i'm only firing on 1 cylinder at the moment, which isn't the most use.
My "working brief" is to take things sloooowly, celebrate the little victories as they happen and not expect too much more. Its becoming an act of will to resist the various pressures and expectations of "normal life" that are starting to emerge around me.
Thursday 5 November 2009
Louis turns one... nausea... back to work...
Hurrah for instant news!!
Louis' 1st Birthday is almost ancient history now. Our halloween baby chalked up his first year in typically relaxed fashion. He now bum-shuffles in circles as if nailed to the spot, which OF COURSE he isn't.
My "good" days are starting to out-number the ones where i feel nauseous. I'm really grateful for this. My next and final meeting with the consultant is on the 26th and i hope he'll be encouraged by my progress. It will seem strange to move off his current case-load. Does this mean i'm in remission or is it the all-clear?? We'll see.
Anyway, as far as the nausea is concerned, i'm hoping that as my gut fine-tunes itself further, it will give me a bit more slack regarding when and what i eat. At the moment, i try to stick to my 7am - 10 - 1 - 4- 7pm (i'm down to 5 meals a day!) mealtimes to avoid "going off" as i tend to describe it. Otherwise its onwards and upwards!
And as of this week, i'm phasing myself back into the office. At present, i'm doing the equivalent of 3 mornings, but it'll take a while to build up the reserves required to tackle a whole week at work.
Sitting at my desk again after 6 months is as surreal as... anything.
Louis' 1st Birthday is almost ancient history now. Our halloween baby chalked up his first year in typically relaxed fashion. He now bum-shuffles in circles as if nailed to the spot, which OF COURSE he isn't.
My "good" days are starting to out-number the ones where i feel nauseous. I'm really grateful for this. My next and final meeting with the consultant is on the 26th and i hope he'll be encouraged by my progress. It will seem strange to move off his current case-load. Does this mean i'm in remission or is it the all-clear?? We'll see.
Anyway, as far as the nausea is concerned, i'm hoping that as my gut fine-tunes itself further, it will give me a bit more slack regarding when and what i eat. At the moment, i try to stick to my 7am - 10 - 1 - 4- 7pm (i'm down to 5 meals a day!) mealtimes to avoid "going off" as i tend to describe it. Otherwise its onwards and upwards!
And as of this week, i'm phasing myself back into the office. At present, i'm doing the equivalent of 3 mornings, but it'll take a while to build up the reserves required to tackle a whole week at work.
Sitting at my desk again after 6 months is as surreal as... anything.
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