My CBT course is in its 4th week. We're an eclectic group of people with either anxiety or depression as our main bug-bear. There's lots of homework/tasks to do. Breathing exercises, practising positive statements, thought challenging to name a few. It all makes sense, but its difficult to carry through.
I'm in dark place at the moment. My low moods are debilitating. I'd hoped that "talking treatments" (CBT) would do the trick. I'm now thinking that the medication option will help me keep a better lid on things. Otherwise Claudia and the boys will continue having a rough deal.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Thursday, 22 July 2010
One year on
The new me is 1 today!
My 365th day without cancer started with the lovely Claudia bringing me a cup of tea in bed, a card and a present
(2hrs + pamper session at Bath's Thermae Spa!!).
Like the queen, i now have 2 birthdays - the original Pete and the new one.
It may seem a little strange, seeing things from this perspective, but on this day a year ago my whole "being" went through the most collosal change.
Its a threshold that quite simply determines everything in my life as either pre- or post-surgery.
The experience has been totally horrific and yet life-saving - utterly bewildering and yet packed with the deepest meaning - depressing but also filled with a hope for the future. A future with my gorgeous wife and children. I'd merely looked forward to it before all this. The new me desperately aches and yearns for it. Its such a precious thing.
Speaking of aches. I've had terrible stomach aches over the last week. Whether this is a grumbling tummy bug, dumping from eating the wrong things or constipation from becoming dehydrated in this warm weather, i'm not sure. I don't think anything sinister is going on though.
Monday, 5 July 2010
A little bit of CBT will do nicely...
The weight-loss thing was most probably a red herring. I saw my consultant last week (not his registrar, which was nice). He seemed confident that a CT scan at this stage wasn't necessary. From now on i will be seeing him every 6 months, with Nurse Jo calling me inbetween to make sure things are ok. These guys focus on the physical me. The emotional me bumbles on with its ups and downs.
A Psychological therapist rang me 10 days ago for a telephone assessment of my emotional well-being. I then received a copy of her letter to my GP, to learn that my PHQ-9, GAD-7 and WSAS scores (17, 13 & 16) were concerning... hmm. The longhand for these obscure alphanumeric formulas is "moderately severe level of depression", "moderate level of anxiety" and "significant impact on overall functioning".
Do i recognise myself here? On a good day, no. But there are days when the clouds roll in, and my GAD-7 and WSAS-ness take a real bashing. So i've been refered for a 6 week course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
This will run from the end of July to early September. The NHS offers CBT in different formats. Working through an online program, group course work or 1 to 1 sessions. As the latter has a very long waiting list, i'll be dunking rich tea biscuits and learning coping mechanisms, on Monday nights, with some of Bath's other alphanumeric champions... Scintillating updates will follow!
A Psychological therapist rang me 10 days ago for a telephone assessment of my emotional well-being. I then received a copy of her letter to my GP, to learn that my PHQ-9, GAD-7 and WSAS scores (17, 13 & 16) were concerning... hmm. The longhand for these obscure alphanumeric formulas is "moderately severe level of depression", "moderate level of anxiety" and "significant impact on overall functioning".
Do i recognise myself here? On a good day, no. But there are days when the clouds roll in, and my GAD-7 and WSAS-ness take a real bashing. So i've been refered for a 6 week course of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
This will run from the end of July to early September. The NHS offers CBT in different formats. Working through an online program, group course work or 1 to 1 sessions. As the latter has a very long waiting list, i'll be dunking rich tea biscuits and learning coping mechanisms, on Monday nights, with some of Bath's other alphanumeric champions... Scintillating updates will follow!
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Next 3 monthly clinic
Since my last hospital weigh-in i'd lost 2.2kg (70.8kg)..
The registrar raised his eyebrows and suggested i have blood taken and another CT scan.
Losing weight doesnt bode well when recovering from cancer treatment, however i hadn't had any lunch before the (mid-afternoon) appointment and had built up quite a sweat getting there.
Also, in the last 12 months i've had 5 CT scans, each with the equivalent radiation dose of a trip to the moon and back. So i'm not really keen on another one, unless its absolutely necessary.
So Claudia took my blood at the breakfast table, much to Max's sgust (he misses out the "di" on various words eg: saster etc). And thankfully the tests have come back clear.
Then i re-measured myself on the same scales this morning after breakfast and was back upto 71.8kg. I think this was just a blip - atleast that's how i'm choosing to see it.
The registrar raised his eyebrows and suggested i have blood taken and another CT scan.
Losing weight doesnt bode well when recovering from cancer treatment, however i hadn't had any lunch before the (mid-afternoon) appointment and had built up quite a sweat getting there.
Also, in the last 12 months i've had 5 CT scans, each with the equivalent radiation dose of a trip to the moon and back. So i'm not really keen on another one, unless its absolutely necessary.
So Claudia took my blood at the breakfast table, much to Max's sgust (he misses out the "di" on various words eg: saster etc). And thankfully the tests have come back clear.
Then i re-measured myself on the same scales this morning after breakfast and was back upto 71.8kg. I think this was just a blip - atleast that's how i'm choosing to see it.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Depression
Blog activity has dive-bombed this month.
To be honest, i haven't felt up to it.
We were away in Germany (in the Mosel region) for a week in early May. It was a lovely location and the self-catering accommodation was an amazing find. However i struggled with my emotions, became monosyllabic and found myself retreating into some of the darker corners of my mind. That wasn't good. Nor was it fair on Claudia or her parents who were visiting.
Back at home my GP has suggested i go for "talking treatments", rather than medication, for what he thinks is mild to moderate depression. Now there's a label! I'm on a referral list for counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Let's see how that goes.
Finding the right work-life balance is still proving difficult.
Regarding my physical recovery, dumping is almost sorted. I have about one dicky-tummy episode a week. Exactly what causes it is unclear, as i monitor what i eat quite closely. Nausea is also much less of a problem now.
To be honest, i haven't felt up to it.
We were away in Germany (in the Mosel region) for a week in early May. It was a lovely location and the self-catering accommodation was an amazing find. However i struggled with my emotions, became monosyllabic and found myself retreating into some of the darker corners of my mind. That wasn't good. Nor was it fair on Claudia or her parents who were visiting.
Back at home my GP has suggested i go for "talking treatments", rather than medication, for what he thinks is mild to moderate depression. Now there's a label! I'm on a referral list for counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Let's see how that goes.
Finding the right work-life balance is still proving difficult.
Regarding my physical recovery, dumping is almost sorted. I have about one dicky-tummy episode a week. Exactly what causes it is unclear, as i monitor what i eat quite closely. Nausea is also much less of a problem now.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Heavy thoughts
It seems that only now, some of the bigger thought-provoking issues are converging on my already crowded mind. Things like:
What its been like to have had cancer.
How close i might have been to an in-operable stage.
How much my life will be/should be impacted by the last year's illness and treatment.
Although these themes seem quite obvious and may have surfaced in some way in past posts, most of my mind's energy in the last year has been focused on beating the cancer and securing the best recovery. It seems the time for philosophical reflection, for delving deeper, is upon me. And it makes me a little nervous.
Where will it lead? If my conclusions demand a change in course (ie: work or other commitments) will i be strong enough to take the plunge?
One thing's for certain. I can't do nothing about the buzzing thoughts in my head.
What its been like to have had cancer.
How close i might have been to an in-operable stage.
How much my life will be/should be impacted by the last year's illness and treatment.
Although these themes seem quite obvious and may have surfaced in some way in past posts, most of my mind's energy in the last year has been focused on beating the cancer and securing the best recovery. It seems the time for philosophical reflection, for delving deeper, is upon me. And it makes me a little nervous.
Where will it lead? If my conclusions demand a change in course (ie: work or other commitments) will i be strong enough to take the plunge?
One thing's for certain. I can't do nothing about the buzzing thoughts in my head.
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
39
There are computer games, which start with a landscape covered in a "black fog". Wherever your characters move, the fog clears in front of them, revealing more of the game level's landscape until, after a while, everything is visible. Nothing can remain hidden. No enemy can attack from the shadows.
If last year's diagnosis started the game, surrounding me with uncertainty, turning 39 feels significant. A year won back from the fog. A little more has cleared. I'm hoping that a lot more of my "landscape" will become visible in the next few months.
If last year's diagnosis started the game, surrounding me with uncertainty, turning 39 feels significant. A year won back from the fog. A little more has cleared. I'm hoping that a lot more of my "landscape" will become visible in the next few months.
Friday, 9 April 2010
Torches
I now look after the boys on Fridays. While Gina Ford wouldn't be proud of us, we do have a sort of structure for what happens during the day. After breakfast, we make the room dark, turn on loud music and go mad with my bike lights!!
At least they're getting some use.
Sunday, 4 April 2010
New life
What a precious gift this life is. You only get one crack at it. Its full of mysteries that science tries to unravel and medicine tries to heal. It seems so fragile, and yet its so powerful.
Easter bursts at the seams with it. Jesus' journey from death to life has to be the most significant single event in human history. Death is no longer the full-stop. He is the source of life in all its fullness. Consider that!
During our Easter morning celebrations, Claudia and 3 others - including Darren's Linda!! - were baptised (also a symbol of passing from death to new life).
Easter bursts at the seams with it. Jesus' journey from death to life has to be the most significant single event in human history. Death is no longer the full-stop. He is the source of life in all its fullness. Consider that!
During our Easter morning celebrations, Claudia and 3 others - including Darren's Linda!! - were baptised (also a symbol of passing from death to new life).
Friday, 2 April 2010
There was a green hill
Its usually overcast for me on Good Friday. Tracking the events leading up to Jesus' death, left me with a lingering melancholy. It all seemed so hopeless. Thank God it didnt end there. The weather certainly played its part.
Today was also a mini-anniversary that was playing quietly in the back of my mind. The 2nd April 2009 was the day my diagnosis was confirmed. The day Claudia, the boys and i went on a very lonely walk, on a hill overlooking Bath, trying to absorb the news.
But perspective is everything. We were given a bottle of champagne by dear friends who, anticipating this day, encouraged us to see the distance we have come and the exciting path to full recovery ahead. Amazing how you can turn glum-ness on its head!
Today was also a mini-anniversary that was playing quietly in the back of my mind. The 2nd April 2009 was the day my diagnosis was confirmed. The day Claudia, the boys and i went on a very lonely walk, on a hill overlooking Bath, trying to absorb the news.
But perspective is everything. We were given a bottle of champagne by dear friends who, anticipating this day, encouraged us to see the distance we have come and the exciting path to full recovery ahead. Amazing how you can turn glum-ness on its head!
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