Heavy thoughts

It seems that only now, some of the bigger thought-provoking issues are converging on my already crowded mind. Things like:
What its been like to have had cancer.
How close i might have been to an in-operable stage.
How much my life will be/should be impacted by the last year's illness and treatment.

Although these themes seem quite obvious and may have surfaced in some way in past posts, most of my mind's energy in the last year has been focused on beating the cancer and securing the best recovery. It seems the time for philosophical reflection, for delving deeper, is upon me. And it makes me a little nervous.

Where will it lead? If my conclusions demand a change in course (ie: work or other commitments) will i be strong enough to take the plunge?

One thing's for certain. I can't do nothing about the buzzing thoughts in my head.

39

There are computer games, which start with a landscape covered in a "black fog". Wherever your characters move, the fog clears in front of them, revealing more of the game level's landscape until, after a while, everything is visible. Nothing can remain hidden. No enemy can attack from the shadows.

If last year's diagnosis started the game, surrounding me with uncertainty, turning 39 feels significant. A year won back from the fog. A little more has cleared. I'm hoping that a lot more of my "landscape" will become visible in the next few months.

Torches

I now look after the boys on Fridays. While Gina Ford wouldn't be proud of us, we do have a sort of structure for what happens during the day. After breakfast, we make the room dark, turn on loud music and go mad with my bike lights!!

At least they're getting some use.

New life

What a precious gift this life is. You only get one crack at it. Its full of mysteries that science tries to unravel and medicine tries to heal. It seems so fragile, and yet its so powerful.

Easter bursts at the seams with it. Jesus' journey from death to life has to be the most significant single event in human history. Death is no longer the full-stop. He is the source of life in all its fullness. Consider that!

During our Easter morning celebrations, Claudia and 3 others - including Darren's Linda!! - were baptised (also a symbol of passing from death to new life).

There was a green hill

Its usually overcast for me on Good Friday. Tracking the events leading up to Jesus' death, left me with a lingering melancholy. It all seemed so hopeless. Thank God it didnt end there. The weather certainly played its part.

Today was also a mini-anniversary that was playing quietly in the back of my mind. The 2nd April 2009 was the day my diagnosis was confirmed. The day Claudia, the boys and i went on a very lonely walk, on a hill overlooking Bath, trying to absorb the news.

But perspective is everything. We were given a bottle of champagne by dear friends who, anticipating this day, encouraged us to see the distance we have come and the exciting path to full recovery ahead. Amazing how you can turn glum-ness on its head!

Back to the BRI

After 8 months, i set foot on Ward 15 again. It was acutely strange.

I felt totally institutionalised in August last year, so it was with a certain degree of trepidation that i found my way back to the ward. My home for 20 long days.

The staff seemed pleased to see an ex-patient again. I had left in a wheelchair, pale, gaunt and hunched like a banana. They took a moment to recognise me in my upright, healthier-looking state. Trudy, a lovely nurse, could remember which beds i had occupied (in the right order) and that i'm writing a blog. She needed help with my name - but that's not surprising given the volume of patients flowing through the ward.
I was hoping to see Sam, a nurse who encouraged me through some of the harshest times. Sadly she wasn't around.

It was a short visit and not the main reason for visiting the BRI, but Claudia and i left the ward having refreshed our own very different memories of the place.

A big mi-steak

Claudi and i had a delicious meal at a popular restaurant the other night. A fabulous duck salad starter, followed by a shared 16oz steak... mmmm

Sometimes the eyes make a connection with the appetite part of the brain, over which there is no control. Eve had that problem once and look where it got her!
Does pain always follow pleasure? It did after the steak.

I couldn't get to sleep until 6am - so spent the night feeling sorry for myself and watching dvds.

Evidently my new alimentary canal is not yet fine-tuned for medium-rare meaty dishes.

Playdough

Rumours of Max's playdough skills are attracting media attention.
OK! and Hello magazine have just been on the phone for an exclusive.. ;-)






Confused?



Songs of Praise(?!) were filming our toddler group (broadcast in May).

I couldn't look at Aled Jones busily tapping on his Blackberry, without remembering his pudding-bowl and white cassock and hearing his 12 yr old voice in my head singing "we're walking in the air".

Poor bloke. He must get it all the time!
Such was my urge to sing, I had to bite my lip, hard.

Claudia couldn't help herself - but i don't think he heard.

Hero

Click on the link below and allow time for the video to download

http://en.tackfilm.se/?id=1268069064489RA68

A very important message!

Louis' latest stats

Age -- 16 months+

Weight -- 10kg

Prefered mode of transport -- bum shuffle

Most useful word -- mmMMMMAH!
which means: Mama/yes please/no, THAT one/Max/i'm hungry etc

Most used signs -- more/cat/bird

Favourite food -- pasta/dried apricots/chocolate/biscuits